Kebabs of Mass Destruction

How to Win the War in Iraq by Christmas
Athens, 14 October 2004


Dear Friends,

I read in the International Herald Tribune Wednesday that the US Air Force destroyed Hussein’s kebab store - “considered one of the best in Iraq” - in a precision air strike on Falluja. Luckily, Hussein’s was empty at the time. I can just see Wolfowitz managing the operation back at the Pentagon: “No, I didn’t say ‘Target Hussein’s gyros,’ I said ‘Target Hussein’s silos!’”

The other explanation, of course, is that it’s part of Rummy’s Revolution in Military Affairs.” After all, a famous [French?] general once said “An army marches on its stomach.” What a brilliant idea: cut off their supply lines and that terrorist army will have to surrender!

So, in the tradition of good citizenship, I’ve applied my consulting skills to the challenge of winning the war in Iraq cost-effectively, innovatively and using terms everyone will understand on November 2nd (Election Day).

Here’s my 8-Point Plan for winning the war in Iraq by Christmas. Read it to the music of any TV advertisements by the fine dining establishments mentioned in this letter:

1. “Big Mac Attack”: Don’t stop at Hussein’s Kebab Store! Let’s consolidate our gains in the Global War on Terror with a super-sized approach to precision bombing! We’ve got the planes, we’ve got the targets, and we’ve got the technology! If it worked on the Ho Chi Min Trail it’ll work in the Sunni Triangle! I’m lovin’ it!

2. “Home of the Mahdi Whopper”: Prefer a compassionate conservative approach? Have it your way! Don’t drop the food, fry it for that original fire-grilled taste! Re-train Muktada Al-Sadr’s Mahdi Army in modern food science, and watch those religious fanatics become law-abiding, underpaid, and disenfranchised members of society! They can run, but they can’t hide!

3. “Kentucky Fried Fallujah”: The Colonel’s Secret Recipe beats “Chemical Ali” anytime! Replace the UN’s corrupt and ineffective Oil-for-Food programme with our deep-fried chicken, sourced 100% locally from Arkansas and other Middle Eastern states! It comes in economical, family-sized buckets of 8, 12 or 16 pieces, ideal for the Iraqi household’s weekly needs! They’ll greet us on the street with flowers!

4. “Pizza Glut”: Still having problems at Abu Gahraib? Can’t get those high-value prisoners to talk? We’ve got the solution for you! Just feed ‘em our stuffed crust pan pizza three times per day, and they’ll sing like canaries! Fat canaries! It’s steaming hot, it’s freshly made and it comes with a choice of 42 different toppings, all made of pork! Best of all, it’s completely allowed by the Geneva Convention! Top of the line in every way!

5. “Taco Hell”: Still can’t pacify Sadr City? Give ‘em both barrels with a spicy, corn-flour taco, stuffed to the brim with 100% lean beef, iceberg lettuce and the Commander-in-Chef own special sauce all the way from Crawford, Texas! It’ll blow their socks off!

6. “Chalabee’s”: If you thought the Iraqi National Congress was a great idea, wait ‘till you see our newest nation-building concept! That’s right, friendly service in a hometown atmosphere is the name of the counter-insurgency game. We’re opening new locations in Ramadi, Nasirya, Falluja and Tikrit! Welcome to our neighbourhood!

7. “Krispy Kerbala”: Supply lines cut off? Halliburton can’t get through? The solution is now at hand. Our new fuel-air bomb guarantees results! Set one off over that pesky insurgent town and kiss your supply line problems goodbye. Original glazed!

And, finally, for all you Atkins fans, there’s a new plan in town. The “Allawi Diet” applies classic “drain the swamp” tactics to the Iraqi Quagmire, with guaranteed results! Specially designed by the CIA, this low-carb, high-intensity approach will win the hearts and minds of those terrorists and dead-enders, making Iraq and the Middle East safe for democracy!

Whew, all these ideas have made me hungry! Saving the world for democracy is hard work. I’m off to Thanassi’s in Monastiraki for the best kebab in the world. If Wolfowitz calls, don’t tell him where I’m eating!

Cheers,

Philip*


*Philip does not own shares in any of the fine dining establishments or military-industrial complexes mentioned in this letter!
Over the top? Yes. Make you sick? Yes. Like the War in Iraq? Yes.